In the classic movie When Harry Met Sally, Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan eventually turn a platonic relationship into a happy ending romance. But what if Harry or Sally wanted to break off the budding romantic relationship and still remain friends with the other person? Likewise, what happens when you have to break up a business relationship, but still want to keep the lines of communication open and cordial? Can a metaphor help ease the way?
“When Harold Met Susan” (based on true events)
Harold and Susan met through work. She was 30 and single and he was 50, extremely successful, and divorced with two teenage children. They were instantly attracted to each other and began to date. They shared many interests, spent hours talking about topics that interested them both, and were incredibly compatible. No surprise, after several months, Harold proposed to Susan.
Susan’s Dilemma
Susan loved the time she spent with Harold, but there was a problem. Susan knew she wanted children. Harold did not. Susan was excited to be building a promising career in marketing, which required her to travel a fair amount. Harold was looking to retire in five years and wanted to travel the world with her on vacations.
Although Susan loved Harold, she was not ready to give up the possibility of having children or her career and she was definitely not ready to “settle down” in five years with Harold in retirement. She loved this man, but knew that, long term, their marriage would never work.
How could she say “No” to his proposal without hurting, angering, and totally alienating him?
Solution in a Metaphor
At the time this was happening, Gail Sheehy’s book Passages was on the best seller list. The book chronicles the unique needs, changes, and dynamics adults go through in the decades between the ages of 18 and 50. It was the kind of book that everyone (including Susan and Harold) had 
been reading and talking about and it became the source for the metaphor that helped Susan say, ”No” to Harold’s proposal in a way that would not hurt or lose him as a friend.
When they met again for one of their lunches and Harold repeated his proposal of marriage, Susan said, “Harold, though we love each other very much, I can’t marry you. We want too many different things in our lives long term and our marriage wouldn’t work.”
Stunned, Harold immediately began to protest and counter argue.
Susan cut him off. “Yes, I know that is not what we want now, but hear me out. You know the book “Passages.” The fact is, we are simply in different chapters of the book in our lives. Our needs and wants will increasingly conflict over time and what is so beautiful now between us will become bitter and ugly, which neither of us could bear.”
Harold, of course, was devastated, but by Susan framing her decision with the book chapters metaphor, he also instantly understood her point. The book reference metaphor helped him “see” that it wasn’t a rejection of him per se, but merely a truth that they both had to accept, however reluctantly.
What Happened Next
They did not marry. Susan became increasingly successful in her career, ultimately married, and had two children. Harold eventually met and married a woman closer in age to him and got to travel the world as he wanted. And from time to time over the years, they saw each other as friends. Not a When Harry Met Sally happy ending, but, given the circumstances, perhaps the happiest possible ending for both.
Your World
Even in delicate relationship situations, metaphors help communicate a message in the most acceptable way possible.
What sensitive relationship in business do you have to break or disappoint, but where you still want to keep future lines of communication open? When do you have to say, ”No”? Is it a current client asking you to do something beyond your comfort level? Is it justifying a rejection of a new piece of business, but wanting to maintain a positive connection with that prospect for future business? Is it explaining why someone did not get a promotion? Is it explaining a reorganization to a team? Other?
It is never easy to say, “No” to clients, prospects, employees, or colleagues. Hearing just a flat out “No” makes people feel confused, angry, defensive, or hurt. A good metaphor will soften those blows and help keep those relationships intact.
Anne Miller
Make What You Say Pay! – with Metaphors
P.S. Photo by Mikołaj on Unsplash
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